ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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