So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
