You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
