his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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