A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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