i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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