is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
pray to the hookup gods
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
