i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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