Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
