That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
