Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
