It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just fell off a train. Bad.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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