So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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