6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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