you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
