you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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