I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
They have beer where we have blood.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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