you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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