I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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