So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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