I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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