I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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