I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
