My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
