I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize