i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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