i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
