So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize