then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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