grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
