We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
