so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
