can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Randomize
