Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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