I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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