While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
