Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
