I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
