Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
