Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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