i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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