i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
