so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
