I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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