between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
