I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
