It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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