So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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