I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You ruined the universe
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
