And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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