I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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