just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
