you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize