On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So many bounce houses so little time
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
