Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
