you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
