I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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