for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
