Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
