Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
