I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
