sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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