I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
