I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
50% drunk capacity currently
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
